Our story starts in December 2016 when I was 12 weeks pregnant with our first baby. At this point in the pregnancy, we still hadn’t heard a heartbeat. Our homebirth midwife recommended we get an ultrasound. She was so kind and prepared us well for both possible outcomes. That night we held each other and cried as we had the fear of the unknown lingering in our heads. We prayed, “God, even if this baby doesn’t have a heartbeat tomorrow, you are still good.” The next morning as I was driving to work, the song, “Blessed Be Your Name” was playing on the radio softly. Tears started streaming down my face as I’m listening to the lyrics. I started praying and surrendered this baby’s life to God, trusting He would carry us through. We thankfully saw a healthy, active baby and heard the most precious sound that proves there is a life growing inside of me that day. Six months later we had our son, Mack. 

 We were overjoyed to discover we were pregnant with our second baby shortly after Mack turned one. I went for my 12-week prenatal appointment on August 30, 2018. The midwife was having trouble finding the heartbeat even though we had already heard it earlier in the pregnancy. I remember thinking this baby was just as active as its older sibling and wasn’t worried as my midwife asked for me to wait at the office until the ultrasound tech could see me. It was in that room that she said the words, “I’m sorry. There’s no heartbeat.” I was completely blindsided and couldn’t comprehend the words that were just said to me. I had to call and tell Devan over the phone because he was home with Mack who wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t make any decisions because I was still in denial that anything was wrong with our baby. We went to an ultrasound place late that night to get a second opinion. They gave us the time and space we needed as we stared at the screen and saw our lifeless baby and heard nothing but silence.  

 The words, “Even if, God is still good.” came back to our minds just as they did during the heartbeat scare with our first. Was God still good now that our nightmare became our reality? I cannot take any credit for answering that question with a confident, “YES!” The Holy Spirit fueled our faith to lean into the only One who could provide any comfort as we walked through the desert of pregnancy loss. 

 I still refused to make any decisions until my body started showing signs this pregnancy was no longer viable. I started praying that God would make our baby’s heart start beating again, but if it wasn’t His will, He is still good. 

 Over the next few days, the nights were the hardest. I was having trouble sleeping and I remember feeling so alone while Devan & Mack were asleep. I would lay awake and start praying or listening to worship music as I sobbed and wished I could wake up and everything would be back to normal. During those nights, I remember feeling God was so close. He comforted me as I grieved our precious baby. 

 I reluctantly scheduled a D&C per my midwife’s recommendation. Going through surgery was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. A part of me wanted to hold on to our baby forever because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, but another part of me couldn’t handle another day of knowing I was carrying a baby who was no longer alive in my womb. 

 The church my husband was on staff at offered for us to go to counseling. We are still so thankful we did this. There was something so beneficial about talking through all our emotions and thoughts with a professional who helped us understand how we were each grieving differently. 

I wish I could say it gets easier as time passes, but the reality is it’s still hard. We miss Baby Joie. We think about how old she would be and what she would look like and what her personality would be like. There are still moments years later that trigger the tears. We had our rainbow baby, Judd, a year and three days after we found out we had lost Joie. Both of our boys know about Joie, and we all hold onto the hope that we will get to meet her in heaven one day. Until that day, we will rest in God’s faithfulness, care, and love towards us and be reminded, Even if, God is still good!